Today was the first day I cried while being abroad (I think). It's funny because I was sad in the moment, however, it's the first time I've truly been upset in two months which if you know me, is basically incredible. I found myself at some moments during the last two years being worked up every day due to the pressure that came from the lifestyle I was living. I spent many sleepless nights stressing about the next day and spending hours to get my blood pressure down. Honestly the fact that last night was the first time in over two months that this happened to me was a kick to say things are better, but not all problems disappear.
This morning I was supposed to get up and take a van two hours to a beach with some friends. I woke up in the middle of the night with this awful feeling about it. I do not know why but I sat wide awake for the next hour. I'm sure the trip was fine, but when I woke up the next morning I decided I had to cancel. I hate being a flaky person and I do realize that I am flaky at times. I do back out of things occasionally, but for the most part I try to be honest about my intentions and not change my mind when I agree to go places with people.
So I know what you're thinking. This girl is crazy and she should of just gone. It was a once in a lifetime opportunity she just missed. And maybe it was, but one thing I have learned from this last month is that I need to stop trying to squeeze everything in. I need to say no to the things I'm not set on and make more time for the things I am. So the gut feeling this morning was a no brainer for me, and I wasn't going to go.
I feel like I let people down when this happens, and if I've canceled on you before I probably have beat myself up for it for the next 24 hours at least. So I have spent most of today reliving my decision, but I'm going to be better about trying to not do such a thing.
This country makes me nervous. It's not just one thing, it's everything. It's the fact that my portuguese is not fluent. It's the fact that they are in an economic crisis. It is the fact that my host mom is a little high strung. It is the fact that I look like a foreigner.
Today I read something that on the internet as I was searching that said something along the lines of, 'stop focusing on what others think and focus on what God thinks.' That was the first time in a while I felt moved, and at peace a little with the situation here.
My last week of summer school is this week. [hopefully tomorrow will be the first time I will wash clothes in a laundry machine since arriving in brazil too ;)] It's kind of crazy how quickly the time went, but at the same time how I'm reaching for the date that I will fly back to the US.
I have a lot of things to face when I get back to the US and this extra free time here should be seen as a time of peace for me. I will be taking the GMAT exam in August in hopes of attending graduate school in 2018. OR at least this test will give me the option to apply. Many of my friends will be graduating and doing the same. It's really difficult for me to comprehend the future but I know I fear it more and more with each day.
I will also be embracing an athletic career I have put on pause in August. It's difficult for me to explain how much pain I know will be inflicted on my body in the next year due to the lack of training that I have been able to maintain this summer. It's almost crazy how your body can transform in 10 weeks, but I can feel it even if people pretend like they can't see it.
Finally I will be returning to friendships and people who like myself have most likely changed over the course of the summer. Reigniting these relationships in the same way is difficult after long periods of time and I am nervous about this.
All and all the peace will be over and the movement forward will began shortly. Each location comes with it's own struggle. As obvious or minuscule as it may seem. Here the struggles are obvious, speaking a new language is always difficult. At home they tend to hide and I try to brush over them without outwardly speaking the thoughts in my head. Writing this summer has been therapeutic and maybe that's why I have not felt as stressed as normal. As always thank you for reading :) 8 days
This morning I was supposed to get up and take a van two hours to a beach with some friends. I woke up in the middle of the night with this awful feeling about it. I do not know why but I sat wide awake for the next hour. I'm sure the trip was fine, but when I woke up the next morning I decided I had to cancel. I hate being a flaky person and I do realize that I am flaky at times. I do back out of things occasionally, but for the most part I try to be honest about my intentions and not change my mind when I agree to go places with people.
So I know what you're thinking. This girl is crazy and she should of just gone. It was a once in a lifetime opportunity she just missed. And maybe it was, but one thing I have learned from this last month is that I need to stop trying to squeeze everything in. I need to say no to the things I'm not set on and make more time for the things I am. So the gut feeling this morning was a no brainer for me, and I wasn't going to go.
I feel like I let people down when this happens, and if I've canceled on you before I probably have beat myself up for it for the next 24 hours at least. So I have spent most of today reliving my decision, but I'm going to be better about trying to not do such a thing.
This country makes me nervous. It's not just one thing, it's everything. It's the fact that my portuguese is not fluent. It's the fact that they are in an economic crisis. It is the fact that my host mom is a little high strung. It is the fact that I look like a foreigner.
Today I read something that on the internet as I was searching that said something along the lines of, 'stop focusing on what others think and focus on what God thinks.' That was the first time in a while I felt moved, and at peace a little with the situation here.
My last week of summer school is this week. [hopefully tomorrow will be the first time I will wash clothes in a laundry machine since arriving in brazil too ;)] It's kind of crazy how quickly the time went, but at the same time how I'm reaching for the date that I will fly back to the US.
I have a lot of things to face when I get back to the US and this extra free time here should be seen as a time of peace for me. I will be taking the GMAT exam in August in hopes of attending graduate school in 2018. OR at least this test will give me the option to apply. Many of my friends will be graduating and doing the same. It's really difficult for me to comprehend the future but I know I fear it more and more with each day.
I will also be embracing an athletic career I have put on pause in August. It's difficult for me to explain how much pain I know will be inflicted on my body in the next year due to the lack of training that I have been able to maintain this summer. It's almost crazy how your body can transform in 10 weeks, but I can feel it even if people pretend like they can't see it.
Finally I will be returning to friendships and people who like myself have most likely changed over the course of the summer. Reigniting these relationships in the same way is difficult after long periods of time and I am nervous about this.
All and all the peace will be over and the movement forward will began shortly. Each location comes with it's own struggle. As obvious or minuscule as it may seem. Here the struggles are obvious, speaking a new language is always difficult. At home they tend to hide and I try to brush over them without outwardly speaking the thoughts in my head. Writing this summer has been therapeutic and maybe that's why I have not felt as stressed as normal. As always thank you for reading :) 8 days
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