I was sick about 5 times in the last 6 months, and when I wasn't sick I was deliriously tired. School and diving had won on just about all fronts. Days passed and it felt like I was pushing myself through the mud, trying to not look too worn down. And everybody said it was stress related. 'You're sick because you're stressed'... 'yeah okay I got it but what do you want me to do about it?' I would say.
I see a psychiatrist and I have for a long time. In fact... I recommend seeing one. This lady is awesome and sometimes I forget we aren't friends because when you share that much with one person you feel like you are. But the truth of the matter is we never really analyzed my stress, what it all meant, and how it effects my life. I woke up multiple nights this semester with minor anxiety attacks. The kind where your heart rate is so high and you mind is running so fast that you can't go back to sleep.
So this month I tried something a little different. This class was purely pass/ fail, and so I kept in mind with all of my actions that ALL I had to do was pass. Which led me to do a very un-Marissa like thing. I had a final this morning that I didn't study for. I knew if I showed up I'd pass, so why study? Like seriously...I had learned all I could learn and I figured I would wing it from there.
I didn't spend one second getting nervous or anxious about the whole situation, I just did it. So today we walked into the oral assessment, and without the nerves or the anxiety I was able to freely flow through each question. No worries, no regrets about anything I said because it all - in all did not matter. And to tell you the truth, that might have been the best oral assessment I've ever done because I felt free.
Todd speaks about feeling free a lot. And I've only felt 'free' one time in my diving career. It was SECs my sophomore year. I had resentment towards the year and was just ready for the season to be over... so I put it all on the line for one day and it was the best day of diving I've ever had. Every since that day I've tried to find that moment again, in lots of things I do. How do I do that again in a meet? Or in the class room?
I think today I found the answer, pure outward calmness and self-determination. It's a mindset and a state of being. I do not think that I could put myself in that state again, however I think the more I find it and reflect on it, the more frequently I will be able to find it. I've never been someone who does things well the first time. I spend lots of time preparing for important task. I overwhelm my mind with the task until it is over. I think about all the anxiety I feel regularly and how much easier my life would be if I could find peace each and every day.
That peace and humbleness and self awareness and confidence is what I've learned in the last month I've been in Sweden. I know each new place and experience will bring me something different than the last, and I'm excited and nervous to see what Brazil will bring. Thank you Jonkoping for all the friendships, memories, and inspiration you've given me this past month. I will cherish this experience forever.
I see a psychiatrist and I have for a long time. In fact... I recommend seeing one. This lady is awesome and sometimes I forget we aren't friends because when you share that much with one person you feel like you are. But the truth of the matter is we never really analyzed my stress, what it all meant, and how it effects my life. I woke up multiple nights this semester with minor anxiety attacks. The kind where your heart rate is so high and you mind is running so fast that you can't go back to sleep.
So this month I tried something a little different. This class was purely pass/ fail, and so I kept in mind with all of my actions that ALL I had to do was pass. Which led me to do a very un-Marissa like thing. I had a final this morning that I didn't study for. I knew if I showed up I'd pass, so why study? Like seriously...I had learned all I could learn and I figured I would wing it from there.
I didn't spend one second getting nervous or anxious about the whole situation, I just did it. So today we walked into the oral assessment, and without the nerves or the anxiety I was able to freely flow through each question. No worries, no regrets about anything I said because it all - in all did not matter. And to tell you the truth, that might have been the best oral assessment I've ever done because I felt free.
Todd speaks about feeling free a lot. And I've only felt 'free' one time in my diving career. It was SECs my sophomore year. I had resentment towards the year and was just ready for the season to be over... so I put it all on the line for one day and it was the best day of diving I've ever had. Every since that day I've tried to find that moment again, in lots of things I do. How do I do that again in a meet? Or in the class room?
I think today I found the answer, pure outward calmness and self-determination. It's a mindset and a state of being. I do not think that I could put myself in that state again, however I think the more I find it and reflect on it, the more frequently I will be able to find it. I've never been someone who does things well the first time. I spend lots of time preparing for important task. I overwhelm my mind with the task until it is over. I think about all the anxiety I feel regularly and how much easier my life would be if I could find peace each and every day.
That peace and humbleness and self awareness and confidence is what I've learned in the last month I've been in Sweden. I know each new place and experience will bring me something different than the last, and I'm excited and nervous to see what Brazil will bring. Thank you Jonkoping for all the friendships, memories, and inspiration you've given me this past month. I will cherish this experience forever.
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