change of time

https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=change+of+time+josh+ritter

So in three days my time in Jonkoping will come to a close a new page will appear. People frequently ask me, 'what did you expect from this?' Or they will ask, 'did you think Sweden would be like this?' or 'how does this compare to your other school?' and honestly I could not tell you what I thought this program would be like, or this country. I went into this program with fresh eyes and hope for a new start. Fresh starts are something we get frequently but often times not enough. Think about how many times you've had a real fresh start.. did you move cities? get a new job? graduate high school?

I've spent some time thinking about the last time I got a true fresh start. It was my first day I entered USC. I was afraid, nervous, but filled with more energy than I've ever expressed in my entire life. The whole year was filled with nothing but excitement and I repeatedly felt myself repeating, "this is the best thing ever" or "today was the best day ever."

But slowly those things shifted. Diving required more dedication. Everyone expected more. And all of my classmates proved to be smarter and more well rounded than I. Even the people I held most dear seemed to make me feel invisible. If you think I'm talking about you, I just want you to know that your actions have nothing to do with the way I felt/feel. It's a mindset I have. I know I have it and I can't break it. I take words to seriously and I convince myself I can't achieve and when you do that you actually can't.

Each new start is an opportunity to restart the race. It's like this half marathon my Mom has signed me up for. I'm sure it'll seem really exciting and fun for the first 4 miles, and by the end I'm going to be walking, not sure if my body will make it. That's how I've felt about my college life. The first half year was fun, and every step since has been cloudy on a good day.

This summer has been a breeze, because with the little expectations and work, everything seems new. Fresh. I can feel other feelings besides doubt and resentment. and all those little issues are an ocean away. I can't seem to make myself worry about the things that haunted me in Columbia.

I know I will be granted this another fresh start on July 6th, and the book of my swedish educational experience will come to a close on Friday, but I constantly find myself wondering how to avoid the burn out of my regular life. How can I make times feel like they are changing, that the real world isn't as serious as it actually is.?

So either way this marathon I've been running for the last four years will come to a close in May. There is excitement and fear and uncertainty of the future all wrapped up in a package that I will unravel when I return to the states.  And the truth of the matter is, getting a job out of college isn't as easy as it once was and getting into graduate school isn't either. and keeping the relationships i've made once I walk across that stage won't be as easy either.

So to be honest, I'm not quite sure how to wrap this piece up, because this is the blatant fear and anxiety that I feel at home. I don't have any advice on how to make it go away or how to be at peace with it. Because honestly my peace was found by ignoring and running from it. But thank you for reading if you are keeping up with these. I hope that the times you find yourself in are incredible and you're able to celebrate some of the little things each day.

<3